


Not Again

by Priestlyislove



Category: Milo Murphy's Law
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Cav is a useless gay, Dakota is so stupid it’s a talent, Dakota sucks at problem solving, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Freeze Ray, Internal Monologue, M/M, Macro/Micro, One Shot, Ridiculous, Shrinking, Weddings, when Amanda texts you answer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 03:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18307337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priestlyislove/pseuds/Priestlyislove
Summary: This is the final straw for Cavendish. He’s put up with a lot, but this has got to be the most ridiculous, humiliating thing Dakota’s ever made him do.





	Not Again

_“_ _You wanna go to a wedding?”_

As your date, Cavendish would make him clarify next time. Except there would be no next time, because he’d never trust the grubby bastard again after this. But if there was, Cavendish would not agree to any more vague offers. He’d only go out with him if Dakota would lay out a full contract that Cavendish could have his lawyer look over. 

_”I’m worried this is a little much,” Cavendish admitted shyly, stepping out in a new suit. He couldn’t help but blush when Dakota stared at him like that, like he put the stars in the sky._

That vixen.

” _I_ _love green on you, but the black looks so sharp,” Dakota whistled, “I kinda wanna keep you here all for myself and ravish you. But I promised my friend.”_

Promised to go, Cavendish had assumed he meant. He should never assume anything about Dakota, except that he’s an unstable and untrustworthy jerk who has never done anything rational in his entire life. Cavendish thought back to the time where Dakota dressed both of them as clowns to try to sneak into a fancy restaurant for a mission because he assumed that was what fancy restaurants considered entertainment, or when he tied Cavendish’s safety rope to a truck because he didn’t think it would move, or when he slipped Cavendish something that would make him moldable-to prevent injury, Dakota claimed-only to slam the door into him and flatten him. He wasn’t three dimensional again for another week. 

_”It’d be cuter if you had a black hat to go with it, but it’s fine,” Dakota adjusted Cavendish’s collar, then tried to smooth invisible wrinkles from his suit. “Okay. You’re all set. Can I get a picture?”_

No, Cavendish thought retrospectively, as if that would make him feel better. No, Vinnie, you cannot have a picture or anything else. You can go sleep on the couch.

_”In what century did cameras look like that-?” Cavendish’s voice froze in his throat. All of him froze. That wasn’t a camera after all._

_”Don’t panic,” Dakota said, as if that helped. “I freezed you because-freezed? Frozed. I frozed-no, that doesn’t sound right either. Let me try rewording it. You are....frozen! Yes! That’s the word. You’re frozen on purpose, and I can undo it.” Dakota added hurriedly, “And I will undo it! I promise! After the wedding.”_

_Cavendish did not move-since he could not move-while Dakota went shuffling through his bag. He just stood there, with a stupid grin on his face, until Dakota came back with something that looked much more threatening than the boxy freeze ray had. Cavendish was briefly worried Dakota had snapped, and was going to murder him._

Now it was Cavendish who was going to murder Dakota. Slowly. 

_But when he pulled the trigger, Cavendish did not explode or burst into flames or disintegrate or anything else of the sort. He shrunk, until he was staring at Dakota’s shoe. Dakota picked him up, curling his fingers around Cavendish in a way that would be comforting, if Cavendish wasn’t so confused and ready to boil with indignant rage. “I didn’t steal either of these,” Dakota said proudly, like he wanted to be praised for that, “Dr. D lended them to me!” Dakota took in a little breath, and Cavendish recognized it as his preparation for rambling, “So turns out one of my good friends is a bridesmaid at a wedding for Amanda’s aunt-Milo’s friend, pink headband, super organized-because Amanda texted me that she knew I was coming and was hoping I could pick something up on the way.”_

Cavendish thought about the perfectly posed bride next to him, and wondered if she was also some poor fool who Dakota had seduced and kidnapped for what felt like the plot of a truly terrible sci-fi b movie. 

He definitely didn’t appreciate being gawked at. They were probably looking at the cake, but he was wary of the children. If he ended up going home with some kid, he’d...do nothing, because he can’t do anything, but he’d hope that karma would get Dakota. Maybe hit him with an ice cream truck or something. 

But the only hand to pluck him away from his fake bride was Dakota, not too long after the cake had been cut in to, but much too long considering that the proper amount of time to spend as a cake topper is zero hours and zero minutes. 

Dakota stole some goodbye hugs and kisses, which only infuriated Cavendish more. Granted, anything he did at this point would further infuriate Cavendish. As Dakota searched for his car, he spoke pleasantly to Cavendish, “I just love weddings. They always make me cry. They’re just so sweet! Do you remember where I parked-oh, I think it was over by the pole. No, no, I parked next to the bushes. Why would I park next to bushes? Never mind, I was by the tree. I thought it would keep the car in the shade-no, hang on, I thought about parking next to the tree, but then I was worried it would get too shady. Oh, here it is!”

He got the freeze ray-though, knowing it was Doofenshmirtz’s, it was probably called the freezinator, or the stopmovinginator, or something more ridiculous-out of the trunk, and clicked a button that gave Cavendish his full range of motion back. He wanted to say something cold and ruthless, but the first thing he yelled was “I cannot fucking believe it took you thirty minutes to find your car!”

“The shrinky dinker is still at the apartment but-“ Dakota made a face as he registered what Cavendish had shouted at him. “Well you didn’t help!”

“I couldn’t _talk!_ ” He kicked his legs in exasperation, and they caught Dakota’s eye.

“Oh, you’ve got frosting on you.” With no further warning, Dakota deposited Cavendish from the waist down into his mouth. Cavendish’s face burned fire truck red as Dakota sucked off the frosting, taking all of Cavendish’s fury with it. His kicking and squirming ceased immediately. Despite being so impossibly stupid, Dakota could always send his heart racing. When Dakota pulled him out of his mouth, he just hung there like a kitten being carried by its scruff, dazed out of intelligible speak. Dakota spat one of his shoes out into his other hand. “Oops.”

“...Vinnie,” Cavendish squeaked. “I do believe you mentioned ravishing me earlier?”

  
Cavendish had a feeling that this would not be the last time he was roped into one of Dakota’s stupid schemes, and he had no one to blame other than himself.


End file.
